I decided to use the advent of my back surgery on December 26 as an opportunity to get my drinking back under control.  My control. I knew I was going to be out of it for a few days and taking serious pain medication for longer and so taking the cure would happen with little interference from me.  I figured, if I could make it through three days, blasted on pain meds though I’d be, I’d be steps ahead. 

It’s been fourteen days now and I haven’t had a drop of booze.  Here’s what I’m noticing: 

I feel a whole lot better.  Physically.  I think I was walking through life hung over and didn’t even realize it.  I still can get a little sleepy in the afternoon, but I find it easy to flop out for a 30 minute nap — something I never seemed to be able to do when I was drinking — and feel fine afterward. 

I look a whole lot better.  I’m not broadcasting the fact that I’m not drinking (except here).  But people — including me, looking back at myself in the mirror — are noticing.  I was at my favorite coffee and pastry place the other morning and ran into David, a retired linguistics professor.  He went on and on about how good I looked.  ‘I don’t know what it is,’ he said.  ‘It’s just . . . your aura, your whole being, looks energized!’  I smiled.  ‘I guess that’s what being pain free does for you.’  I said, referring to the operation. 

I’m much more productive.  I’m reading like an egghead whore.  Really, I scrambled through the last 600 pages of ‘Shantaram’ in the first week, then devoured Augusten Burroughs’ ‘Dry’, and have started in on ‘Wicked.’  A month ago I’d slog away a few pages a day, unable to keep my eyes open or my mind focused to do more.  I’ve also really hit my one work project very hard.  I’m not someone who’s ever going to obsess on work to the point of doing it more than a few hours a day.  Life is about other stuff, you know?  But the few hours I’m putting in are resulting in great progress.  Last evening I started messing around with a script I have to write and two hours later, it was done.  It’s a first draft and will surely get revised, but I’m way further along than I expected.

I don’t seem to have the urge to drink.  I think about it.  Every evening.  But it’s just a thought.  I’m not compelled to action.  And I didn’t do anything dramatic like dump all the liquor down the drain.  There are bottles and bottles of spirits, wine and beer out there and I haven’t had to work hard at all to NOT drink them.

I’m seeing that regardless of my reasons for drinking, the booze kept a lid on me.  It kept me stuck.  Reading ‘Dry,’ I understand that Augusten Burroughs couldn’t write ‘Running with Scissors’ until he was clean and sober.  And since, he’s been prolific in his prose.  I take that as a marker and a strong hint.  My whole life I’ve believed I had a book or two in me.  But I’ve never gotten to it.  I was too busy making time for my drinking to actually write anything.  Now I have my chance. 

Alcohol is very seductive.  ‘Drink me,’ it whispers,’ And everything will be better.’  And as long as you’re drinking it is.  But it is a false well-being.  It’s not real.  It is an illusion.  Truth is, when I drink, everything stops except the aging process and it, if anything, speeds up. 

I have a video I shot on a cruise a few years back.  The segment I’m thinking about was in Cabo San Lucas.  It’s one of those artificial Mexican resorts, like Cancun, a non-town that the government designated as a place to suck dollars out of tourist wallets.  There’s not much to do there except lay on the beach and drink, which I did.  The video is mostly about my pals and I going out on a hired boat to do a little snorkling and sight seeing.  I’m shooting it but am in constant voice over conversation.  And I am completely and utterly obnoxious.  It’s so gross.  I can’t bear to watch more than a minute or two at a time.  I’m sneering and spitting and making crude sexually laced comments.  Really:  If I’d been in that boat with myself, I think I’d have jumped overboard.  For me, that’s the promise of alcohol.  That is who I become when I drink, and it is a person I despise.  Cheers.

Posted under Personal Drama, drinking